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Brad and I met at BGG 2018, 3 months after I moved from Oklahoma to Minnesota, our romantic relationship would begin shortly after, and then I would break off the relationship in November 2019. Before going into a timeline of notable instances of abuse I must note that the instances below are a few of very many. Overall, Brad and I’s relationship consisted of a power dynamic that was abused by Brad – ways that this came out were: constant controlling of the conversation, if we disagreed over the phone or conversation he would either hang up immediately or walk away until I would apologize. When I tried putting a healthy boundary of pausing our conversation before it got heated I was told I was manipulative. Often disagreements would go to 0 to 100 very fast to the point I was scared it would become physical, and there were a few times where it did. Brad threatened to call the police anytime these types of arguments would happen in his home, I would either leave or switch to apologizing profusely to deescalate. The majority of our relationship was spent over at his home, I can count maybe 8 – 10 times we spent time in my home. I was happily willing to accommodate Brad wanting me to be over at his place at the time, but this is where I would end up doing all of his household chores, appointment scheduling for Brad, and managing any large home projects for him if I tried voicing my needs for more balance or not being able I would be told I was selfish or self-centered. Anytime I would take on a new project or accomplish something at work Brad would tell me that I was selfish and not focusing on his needs enough to encourage his successes. I will not be sharing any instances of sexual abuse and manipulation publicly.

Also during our relationship, I would be told that before he and I dated Brad had sex with 3 people, that we know of, at Gen Con 2018 to see how many he could sleep with at the con and that he actively used his status and position in the industry to encourage and pursue these women. The first time I brought this up to Brad that this was an abuse of power and possibly predatory he very quickly told me that it was none of my business and that he has moved past it. I would bring this up again a 2nd time towards the end of our relationship after someone told me he would further brag about his “wins” at Gen Con 2018 and how he boasted about being able to sleep with 2 different women on the same day. 

Below is a chronological timeline of notable points of abuse, mostly surrounding interactions at conventions or work.

Unpub 2019

After a long day of near-constant meetings and networking, I called Brad before going to bed. He responded angrily that I didn’t text him back or talk to him at all that day. I apologized, telling him about my busy workday and how excited I was to share all the details with him. He then hung up on me, knowing explicitly that this was a trigger for me. I tried calling him back multiple times, foregoing sleep amidst my anxiety. He never responded until far later the next day which I would then apologize for not speaking to him more frequently the day prior.

This would become a pattern for him whenever I traveled without him. He acted similarly when I was in San Francisco for Kubla Con and again when I left ahead of him for a wedding in Tulsa. Every time, he would refuse any sort of compromise and lay the blame solely on my actions.

Gen Con 2019

This was my first convention working with a new publisher, and Brad and I were sharing a hotel room. One night we went to the W bar where industry people often network. I was tired from working all day but agreed after Brad insisted we go to the bar and network ourselves as well.

I met with an industry acquaintance, briefly caught up with them, and turned around to find Brad missing. After some searching, I found him on his own, fuming that I didn’t introduce him to a new potential business connection. This was another consistent pattern in our relationship. 

Frustrated by this pattern and tired from the convention, I decided to walk back to the hotel alone at night – something I was clearly uncomfortable doing. I forgot my key, however, and ended up walking back to the bar to grab Brad’s. At my request, he agreed to walk me back. On the way, I mentioned how it felt like I was being used, and I didn’t appreciate how it made me feel. He very quickly started yelling at me about how selfish I am. I refused to engage in his tantrum and instead asked if we could please just get to the hotel and go to bed. He decided instead to abandon me, returning to the bar, taking his key with him, telling me to, “figure it out yourself.” I caught up to him, apologized, and pleaded for him to please not leave me stranded alone without any way to get in the hotel safely. He would continue walking forward towards the bar and push me down onto the sidewalk. He only calmed down and agreed to walk me back to the hotel after he saw me crying. We arrived at our room and he returned to the bar.

October 2019

Afterward, Brad’s erratic and frankly abusive behavior continued and even escalated in some ways. I joked to Brad once about the innovation of Keyforge and the work we were doing. My joke was only half-baked, and I ended up putting my foot in my mouth during the execution. I apologized to Brad, of which he was wholly deserving, and promised to remain mindful about joking about work. His response, however, was wholly unwarranted. He began by subjecting me to the silent treatment, one of his frequent tactics.

That evening, we were supposed to prepare for a trip to Iowa to give a talk together and spend time with his parents. His silent treatment continued, albeit longer and more severe than usual. I stopped by his work to make sure he was ok. I was told he was working and that we would talk later. Thinking everything was fine, I left for his house to do his laundry and start packing–two tasks that he came to expect from me and were in no way out of the ordinary. I left my phone on his bed, where I missed several calls and texts from him, one of which was him breaking up with me, another demanding I leave his house. Accommodating how Brad preferred to be treated while having a freakout, I called and messaged him back. He reaffirmed that I should leave his house, so, respecting his wishes, I did.

Neither I nor Brad ended up going to Iowa, though I did talk to his parents who confirmed for me that “pushing people away like this” was just a pattern for Brad. I tried checking up on him and let him know I was here to listen; I received sharp replies every time. After several days, I started to drop off food and water at his place because his family still hadn’t heard from him. One of the times he let me in, he finally started talking to me and broke down, expressing his need for help and his desire for me to not leave him. Reluctantly, I agreed. We promised that this cycle could not continue, we would have to work on our relationship, and I helped him find a therapist.

November 2019

While we were trying to navigate how to be in a better relationship, I felt like we were just going through the motions and were unable to get past what had happened in October. After much deliberation on the subject, I resolved to break up with Brad, to focus on myself and my mental health. A big part of me was scared to break up with him, though, unsure of how he would react. Based on established patterns, I feared that he would once again blow up on me and threaten to call the cops. 

Thankfully, Brad’s response was not so dire. Instead, we discussed how we’d move forward and agreed that I would pick up the bulk of my belongings when it was a good time for both of us. I felt this was amicable. 

Picking up my belongings

Brad and I agreed I would pick up my things on a Saturday at 12 pm. A roommate of mine agreed to come along as support and to make sure I felt safe. Before heading over, we went to Ikea, thinking it would be a fairly quick trip. It was starting to get closer to 12 PM, and we weren’t quite done yet, so I reached out to Brad, letting him know I was running late. He refused, stating he would only meet me at 12 PM and if I wanted my things, I would have to be on time no matter what. At that point, it wasn’t even possible to be there in time, so I called him, pleading for him to at the very least leave my things outside for me. Obstinately, he continued to refuse. It wasn’t until I caved and began blaming myself–for this experience and our whole relationship– that Brad expressed satisfaction, calmed down, agreed to see me, then confessed he missed us together. 

On the way, my roommate and I agreed that we should just get the stuff and leave. When we got there, Brad didn’t have my things gathered, as we agreed, and was once again sulking and upset with me. I told him I would just grab what I can and leave him alone. Brad was not okay with this. I started calmly grabbing my things, as he yelled at me. My roommate tried to defuse the situation, calmly saying we just wanted to get stuff out of his way and leave. Brad proceeded to push him while I backed away for fear he was going to get more violent. We left without getting everything, and only then did Brad begin incessantly texting me how profoundly sorry he was. Later that day I would grab a few more things on the condition Brad would be away from his home. 

Post-break-up

Even post-break-up, Brad continued his abusive behaviors, not just in our personal lives, but also professionally. He spent much of both BGG-Con and PAXU, encouraging people, both friends and business associates alike, that they should cut contact with me, due to my “horribly selfish behavior.” He would even go so far as to cancel meetings or lunch/dinner plans I had with friends telling them I wouldn’t be attending. 

A few months later, after having blocked and stopped talking to Brad completely, we tried to rebuild a professional friendship. I thought it was going well, but more controlling behaviors began to emerge. He proceeded to lie to his co-workers that we were back together now. He continued abusing my trust and goodwill by attempting to emotionally manipulate me in nearly all of our interactions, and I reached out to some friends during this time questioning whether moving forward with trying to work on any kind of relationship was a good idea. One of the last interactions we had was a phone call after he found out he would be relocating to Austin. I had given my support, telling him I am glad we are working on this relationship as friends since I wouldn’t have been able to follow him if we were still dating. He hung up on me to then call back an hour later, upset at me for saying that, followed by an email later trying to spin the prior interaction towards me alluding that I wanted to move to Austin with him and saying “I won’t ask you to move to Austin with me.” I would try to check up only a few times at the beginning of lockdown and then block him shortly after I realized he did his utmost to wield power over me in any way he could, such as trying to isolate me from friends and work colleagues. To recount every instance would be an undertaking.

Now, having had time to process and reflect, I can more easily recognize these traits for what they are and am no longer willing to share any kind of a relationship with Brad, be it work or personal.

Once the draft of this statement was mostly finalized I reached out to someone that had dated Brad in the past because I was having doubts about this process. She has consented to have me share her experiences… quoted from messages between her and I:

Message 1: “…The gaslighting is for sure in line with my experiences. We were together for about 11ish years, and I was made to feel like I was the only person in the world who understood him. That his family and everyone around him bullied him and that he was an outsider. I felt sympathy and for years was essentially the person telling him it was them not him even though his behavior was generally cruel-intentioned. He seemed to feel satisfaction in pointing out the “flaws” that made other people insecure and using it as a punchline. I was also consistently told I was his “trophy wife” at gaming conventions to impress people he admired. He would also flirt outrageously with other women and even cheated on me (which the one I found out about triggered him wanting to separate, but I suspected others before that one) but would constantly deny that anything was going on and would turn it around to make me feel like I was crazy and insecure and jealous. It really did a number on me. I felt like I could never make financial decisions and was told point-blank that he had every right to tell my family what to do because they were his family too. He would also see me as a possession: my body didn’t belong to me – just to him. He never violated me physically but to be honest, it was a constant fear. I felt he was capable of it. He always had to come along to any gathering if I was invited. He was very controlling in a subtle underhanded way and it wasn’t until after I moved out that I could breathe again. At the end he told me I was the abuser and he needed to get away from me to heal. At the time, I truly believed that’s how it was. That I was an abusive and controlling partner. After going to a counselor with him, he realized she wasn’t taking his side and threw a tantrum (tantrums were a staple of his personality any time he didn’t get what he wanted). The next session I attended alone she told me to leave asap because he was a narcissistic abuser and was not going to change. She told me it was likely that the reason he was leaving me was not because of his girlfriend at the time, but rather because I had finally gotten my license and a car and gained some confidence and independence and he couldn’t take it. I was also used as a reason for anything he didn’t want to do with his family. He seemed to hate his family and would constantly bash them behind their backs so if they invited him/us to do something he didn’t want to do he would straight up tell them in front of me that he’d love to but “She doesn’t want me to go and would feel too lonely without me.” And would say it in a way that would display annoyance. I would also have to hear him say really vicious things about people he called his best friends just because they got put on a project he wanted. He would tell me that these people, pretty much all of his friends and coworkers, were not as good of a designer as he was. And if I dared to remind him that these people were his friends, he would call me unsupportive. I was unsupportive while I was completely investing my entire life around what he wanted to do, hosting dinners for his gaming buddies, chatting up freelance designers who he wanted to make a good impression with, and building him up.

Sorry for the length of that message… There is so much more but those were the generalized experiences that came to the forefront.”

Message 2: ” Also if you feel it’s useful, he did actually try to negotiate dating rules and such for when we separated. Basically he said two things: “Can I pay you to not date?” (An example of him being willing to use his wealth to bribe/control people.) And he also asked me not to date certain people (friends, acquaintances, anyone he worked with). When I said only if you don’t date the woman you’re cheating on me with, he suddenly said dating rules are stupid. Don’t know if it’s useful but it demonstrates his need to control others, even when they’re not in his life anymore.”

Ben Moy and I were acquaintances before GAMA 2020, where I got to know him better. We hit it off at the convention and decided to share a hotel room for the last night. Before that interaction, I made myself explicitly clear about my boundaries and that I was not interested in pursuing any kind of a romantic relationship with him, and that I wasn’t dating at all. He agreed, expressing similar sentiments himself.

Immediately afterward, however, he began to betray my trust and our mutual understanding. He would talk about what the next steps in our relationship would be and how he would see us as a “power couple” in the industry. After GAMA he would text me incessantly showing signs of obsession and stalking and hoped to pursue a relationship together. I was obsessively reaffirming my boundaries to him very clearly just as much as he was obsessively deciding to cross them. I would soon choose to just interact with him only in a cordial, professional manner, as he asked me for advice on the industry. 

Later on, he asked me if he could apply for an internship at the board game company I was working with at the time. Feeling pressured and guilty of possibly taking this opportunity away from him just because of my discomfort, I made the mistake of agreeing to this request. He ended up getting an offer, and I grew more uncomfortable knowing that he would now be moving to the Twin Cities for the internship. I feared that he would become more incessant about spending time together and hanging out now knowing that distance wouldn’t be an issue – distance was the thing that made me feel safe in the situation. Once he got the offer for the internship I requested to speak with him over the phone to set some clear work boundaries: He would not message me privately on the company Slack; We would not be working together alone, and I would not feel comfortable or safe working closely or full-time with him.

He, of course, proceeded to break most of these boundaries. He would message me privately on Slack and even message me late at night in response to things I shared on the company Slack. This is when I would start withdrawing from interacting on Slack out of the fear that if I posted anything he would privately message me about it. One of these times was around Gen Con 2020 where he would private message me on Slack asking if he could get me anything for the convention, I would then proceed to tell him no until I had to lie about having a boyfriend and then he would stop messaging me that day. I refused to interact with Ben except for what was necessary to maintain professionality, and I made sure I wasn’t in the office the same days he would be. 

There were several times I mentioned these interactions to my peers – at first there was advice about how to navigate the situation, mostly this advice was to “keep appearances” and wait out my discomfort and that my “anxiety was getting in the way of my performance”. I further believed I was overreacting and I remained “nice” to survive, because if I wasn’t “nice” I would be causing problems or be seen as unprofessional, difficult to work with, rude, and dramatic. I would stop speaking to Ben shortly after his internship ended. He would later ask me about applying to a full-time position at my company that would put him directly working with me, I would tell him again I wouldn’t be comfortable working directly or full-time with him. He would then wish me happy birthday and then most recently after months of zero contact message me to recognize that he “let his ambition supersede our friendship and boundaries I set”. I had very clearly set boundaries from the beginning with Ben, he proceeded to disregard them multiple times, and would recognize what he’d done when I brought it up on a phone call prior to his internship yet he proceeded to continue crossing my boundaries. This wore on me in a way where I did not feel safe at work even after he left. So when he did last message me his recognition of crossing my boundaries again I didn’t believe it was genuine.

I was recently informed he will most likely be moving to the Twin Cities, and I do not feel safe moving around this space and industry, knowing that he may try to find subtle ways to interject himself into my life even after his recognition of crossing my boundaries.